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Linda Marie Grant, born April 14th, 1952, died August 1st, 1988.  20 years ago today.  She had three kids; me, Kristen and David Joseph Lenz (Borden?).   I miss her more than I can describe.  I can remember her smile and her sickness.  I remember Cabrini Green where she lived and the oxygen tanks in the corner of that dark, cold, shitty apartment where she lived last before the hospital stay.  She lied about the oxygen tanks, said they belonged to the previous resident to try to spare my sister and me the knowledge of her pending death.

She died in a hospital without her kids.  She’s buried in a grave without a headstone.

There is a brother out there that I don’t know, one of the last connections I have to my lost mom.  My brother’s name is David Lenz and he was adopted or fostered in Illinois.  As long as I’m seeing search phrases like what are pictured in the attached pic, I’m going to keep on hoping to hear from him someday soon.

I have sat on this post since Aug 1st, the 20th anniversary of her death.  I didn’t really want to post it and I deleted some of my more personal memories and thoughts.  I changed my mind today, when I found this site, it’s a diary of a dying mom.  She gave me the courage to remember my mom so publicly.

I often wonder if my brother, David knows he has a brother. I wonder what his foster/adoptive parents told him about his birth family, if anything. I wonder what his adopted parents know about his birth family and why David was taken away. I wonder how he took the news that he was adopted, when he eventually found out, as he must have. I wonder if he has any pictures of us or him as a small child.

I have a few pictures, we were at Nana’s house, which was a little red brick house with a huge yard and two apple trees out front. My sister and I would get paid to pick up apples from the yard, I remember that they were bitter little things to eat. David was there, I think he was already fostered out and my sister and I were visiting from California. That may have been the only time that we ever met as children, I coulnd’t have been more than 10, so Tina was about 8 and David may have been around 5ish? I remember that day mainly because I have a few pictures to remind me of being there. Without pictures of that day and what he looked like, the concept of me having a brother would be more of an abstract idea instead of a hard actual personal fact. I hope he does have a picture, or some memories of us.

I wonder if he’s ever googled my name, or his mom’s or sister’s name. Does he even know our names? I am almost 100% sure his name is David Joseph Lenz, he was born David Joseph and I don’t know the last name. I’m sure he knows his mom’s name, Linda Marie Grant is what she’s buried under and the cemetary is less than an hour from where he is supposed to live.

I hear he’s in Algonquin, when I was in Chicago last year I found a number for a Lenz family in Algonquin and called them. I left a message, but never heard back. I have no idea who his dad is, but we share our mom. Her death really did fracture what was left of the Borden clan, sending shards from California to Chicago. She is missed, and there’s nothing I can do about that. I can however, find my brother.